Whatever topic is occupying my mind at the moment, somehow it always seems to come back to honesty.
For a long time, I have felt that honesty is one of my most important values. I used to see myself as a very honest person and considered honesty a basic requirement in the people closest to me.
But the more closely I look, the more I notice that I don't always live this value in the way I would actually like to. I often believed I was being honest. But the closer I looked, the more I began to see something different. It is less about big lies and more about the small, everyday moments in which I repeatedly tend to fool myself and others.
Honesty Begins With Me
When my actual behavior does not align with my inner values, I lose energy and self-respect. But how can I uncompromisingly close this gap between knowing and doing? Only by shining a light on my shadows. Why is it so difficult for us to face our own shadow sides?
Recently, I heard a statement that stayed with me: We ourselves are always the problem – but we are also the solution.
This sentence says a lot to me. Above all, it explains why looking within can be so difficult. Who wants to admit that they are part of the problem? How easy it is to shift the cause outward and look for the reason behind our difficulties in other people.
And yet, that is exactly where the opportunity lies: If I am part of the problem, I can also change something.
I only came to believe this once I started living honesty much more consciously and consistently. Since then, I have often found my way toward solutions surprisingly quickly.
But putting this into practice requires not only courage, but also practice. Like a muscle I train. Every day. Again and again.
When We Learned to Hide Parts of Ourselves
Why and when did I actually begin showing a different version of myself? One that doesn't reflect what is going on inside me?
We learn many of these things very early because, as children, we depend on belonging and safety. When a child is repeatedly given messages like:
“Don't make trouble.”
“What will other people think?”
“Don't be so sensitive.”
“That isn't appropriate.”
“We don't talk about that.”
the child doesn't necessarily learn: I am not allowed to be honest. It learns something much more subtle: Certain sides of me are welcome. Others are better left hidden.
And eventually, we no longer need anyone else to enforce this. We take over that control ourselves. Then we automatically start asking:
How will I be perceived?
What am I allowed to say?
What could cause conflict?
Which version of me will be accepted?
And this is how the gap develops between the person I am and the person I show. And eventually, we no longer even know exactly: Which parts of this are really me – and which parts have I learned to be?
First, I have to become aware of what is actually going on inside me. Only then can I begin to consciously show myself as I really am. With my light sides, my shadow sides, my desires, my vulnerability and also my boundaries.
Over time, I have realized that I come closest to my inner truth when I tune into my body. My body repeatedly shows me very clearly where my truth lies. I just have to listen. To my body much more than to my mind.
The more I include my body before making decisions, the more my behavior aligns with what I know inside myself to be right. This is how I can begin not only to know my values, but to embody them.
Secondary Values
In a course by Veit Lindau, I first heard about so-called secondary values. Behind the values I can consciously name, there are often other values, needs or conditioning. They influence us without us being aware of them, and precisely because of that, they can have a significant impact on our behavior.
I suspect they also give me part of the answer to why there is repeatedly a gap between the honesty I want to live – especially because it is one of my most important values – and the honesty I actually live.
Especially when things become difficult and external pressure increases, these underlying values become particularly visible.
What does that mean in practice?
I have realized that for a long time, my actions were strongly influenced by a deep need for “harmony” and “being liked.” For example, when I knew that the prevailing opinion in a group was different from mine, I often remained silent.
Why?
Not because I thought what was being said was right. But because I didn't want confrontation or discord. My need for harmony worked against my value of honesty. I knew exactly where I stood and what my opinion was. But I didn't consistently live it.
For a long time, I wasn't aware that staying silent doesn't simply mean being “neutral.” Today, I see that silence can have an impact. It leaves an already dominant opinion unchallenged and can therefore even reinforce it.
The loud and strong voices get even more space.
And when I don't speak up, my silence can even be interpreted as agreement. In this way, I can unconsciously support an opinion or behavior that actually contradicts my most important values.
This realization was quite uncomfortable for me. Because suddenly it was no longer just about knowing which values matter to me. But about living them even when it becomes uncomfortable.
Honesty Has a Price
Over the past few years, I have repeatedly experienced that my conscious decision to live more consistently by my value of honesty also comes at a price.
When I live honestly, I risk more conflict. There are also people close to me who don't understand my position or don't like it. I have had to learn to sit with that feeling and accept it.
Because living our values doesn't just mean choosing beautiful values and wearing them like a badge. It also means making decisions that may cost us something. Letting go of things, people, activities and habits that no longer fit who I am or the life I want to live today.
Not every relationship lasts forever. I change, my life changes, and with it, my relationships change too. I don't have to hold on to everything that was once good and right for me. Even if we shared something valuable in the past, I can still lovingly say goodbye to certain people today.
Perhaps this is exactly where the balancing act lies: Our values give us direction. But they don't make the difficult decisions for us. And sometimes one value stands against another.
Honesty versus harmony.
Honesty versus being liked.
Of course, sometimes it would be easier to say, “It's fine …” and continue the relationship just as it has always been. But how honest am I being with myself? And how happy does it really make me when I bend myself to fit?
Honesty Requires Sensitivity
Uncompromising honesty requires sensitivity. I want to live a kind and respectful form of honesty. To be honest without becoming inconsiderate or brutal.
How can I live my clarity and set my boundaries without being hurtful or arrogant?
I often reach a point where I ask myself: Is my honesty really appropriate right now – or could it be destructive and hurtful? What helps me is asking where it is coming from. What is behind my need to say something?
Do I genuinely want to make something visible?
Do I want to set a boundary?
Or do I secretly want the other person to change?
That makes a huge difference.
Someone tells me about a decision they have made for their life, and I see it completely differently. I am allowed to say, “I would do it differently.” That is my truth.
But do I therefore have to try to convince them? Do I have to make them see things my way or even “save” them from their own decision? No.
I can speak my truth. But I cannot demand that the other person accept it. Perhaps this is one of the most important boundaries between honesty and interference: Honesty means expressing my truth. Interference begins when I try to make my truth the truth of someone else.
In the past, I often suppressed my truth for a long time. I wanted to belong, to be liked, not to cause friction. Eventually, I would reach a point where it became too much. The truth would burst out of me. Loud, angry and not infrequently disrespectful or hurtful.
Or I would go to the other extreme: I tried to defend my truth with all my strength. I kept explaining myself. I was frustrated when others didn't understand me. Because I had begun to identify with my truth.
Today, I am working on expressing my truth clearly and respectfully from the very beginning – without drama. And at the same time, allowing other truths to exist alongside mine. Learning to tolerate the fact that people think differently, feel differently and make different choices.
Of course, I don't always succeed. Especially not under pressure. I still experience situations in which my old patterns catch up with me.
But unlike before, I recognize them today. That, too, is progress.
Being Honest – Even When Someone Is Disappointed
One pattern I still find difficult to let go of is the responsibility I repeatedly take for other people's feelings.
“Don't disappoint your mother.” I heard my father say this to me often as a child. And I notice that it still triggers something in me today.
But am I really responsible for making other people happy with my decisions? Or am I not rather responsible to myself for being honest about what works for me – and what doesn't?
Can I live my honesty even if it means disappointing someone?
Yes, I can. With kindness and compassion.
Consciously Embodying Honesty
What defines our society is our intellect and our knowledge. We know so much. We have read thousands of books and taken countless courses. But how much of what we know do we actually embody in our daily lives?
And not only when things are easy, but especially under pressure, when things get tight. Because that is exactly when we see how important our values really are.
For me, embodiment begins with awareness. With the honest pause:
What am I really feeling?
What am I really thinking?
What do I really want?
And where am I still acting differently?
Because honesty, for me, is not the image I have of myself. Honesty shows itself in how I act when things become uncomfortable.
The more consciously I notice the small moments in which I used to bend myself to fit, the more I can choose today to actually live my value of honesty.
Not perfectly. Not always. But more and more often.
LUMA – it begins in you.
MINI EXERCISE
Observe yourself:
Where and why do I hide parts of myself?
Where do I say something different from what I actually mean?
Where do I say yes when I mean no?
Where do I hold back my truth because I don't want to disappoint someone?
Where do I identify with my truth and try to convince others of it?
And what would I say or do if I weren't afraid of how others might react?
REFLECTION QUESTION
Am I really honest – or do I simply think I am because honesty is part of my self-image?