HABITS

Human beings are creatures of habit. I hear this statement often – and it is probably not entirely wrong. But at some point in our lives, most of us find ourselves in a situation where we want to or have to let go of certain habits, whether they are bad habits or habits we have grown fond of.

Some may need to change their diet, others to exercise more or less. Still others may suddenly have to travel alone, even though they used to love travelling as a couple. And many people eventually face the challenge of getting used to a life without children at home because they have moved out.

There have also been many changes in my life over the past few years – some involuntary, others voluntary.

And if someone had told me three years ago how many habits I would let go of within a relatively short period of time – and that my life would become better rather than worse because of it – I probably would not have believed them.

Habits Give Us Security

Why is it so difficult for us to let go of habits?

When we repeatedly have similar thoughts, emotions and actions, they create a familiar everyday life. And precisely because it is familiar, we quickly and unconsciously assume that it must be right. But familiar does not automatically mean good.

Many things feel right simply because we are used to them. Because our parents or friends do the same. Because we have lived this way for years and therefore feel that our habits are part of who we are. They often give us a sense of belonging and security.

New things, on the other hand, can initially feel wrong or uncomfortable – not necessarily because they are bad, but because they are unfamiliar.

Habits are not inherently bad. The problem is not that things happen automatically. Sometimes we actually want to switch to autopilot and trust our intuition. What makes the difference is whether we notice which habits or patterns are running automatically. Only then can we consciously decide which ones we like, which ones are good for us and which ones we would rather let go of.

Making Habits Visible

Many of our habits are so deeply ingrained that we no longer consciously notice them.

But changing a habit is only possible when we consciously observe and become aware of it. When we ask ourselves:
What do I keep doing?
When does it happen?
What triggers it?
What are the consequences?

For example, I began to take a closer look at my habits when my mother’s dementia became increasingly apparent.

At the time, a doctor and friend gave a talk about illnesses in families and about the influence genetic factors can have, as well as the possible influence of our lifestyle and habits.

He advised me to look at my mother’s habits, especially those that could contribute to dementia, and to ask myself which of them I had adopted myself – and which of them I might be able to change.

It was a fascinating process. Did this give me any certainty that I will not develop dementia? Of course not.

But today I feel that, through these small changes, I am doing my best in the present moment. Not only because they might potentially improve my future outlook, but because they make my TODAY better. Less guilt. Less inner dissonance. And as a result, life feels lighter.

And the habits? Some I was able to leave behind quickly and surprisingly easily. Some were more persistent. With some, there is still room for improvement. But none of the ones I have actually left behind completely is something I miss.

We Are Not Our Habits

What often happens is that we identify so strongly with our habits that we eventually believe they are part of us. That they belong to our identity. That we cannot simply put them aside.

How often do we say: “That’s just the way I am.”

My husband was a competitive athlete for many years. Faster, farther, better. That is how he had functioned since childhood. If a triathlete half his age was training in the pool, he naturally wanted to compete. He gave everything to be faster – and came home completely exhausted. Until a few years ago, he identified very strongly with this performance-driven role.

Today – after several serious surgeries and a lot of self-reflection – we were out cycling. A beautiful day, a moderate ride through wonderful scenery. A younger, very athletic cyclist whizzes past us. My husband turns to me, smiles at me, then to himself – and continues happily at our pace.

And I know: He is proud of himself. So am I. The urge to keep up may still be there somewhere beneath the surface. But he no longer has to follow it.

It was not an easy process, but today he has gained something wonderful: We like to call it the “courage to be average.” The courage not always to have to be faster, farther and better. And that courage has taken so much weight and heaviness out of his life.

Don’t Wait for Motivation

Very often, we know exactly which habits we no longer want to live by. And yet, despite knowing this, something prevents us from letting them go.

We tell ourselves that now is not yet the right time for change. We wait for the moment when we feel motivated. But motivation is constantly changing. The first step is not to wait until we feel ready. The first step is to begin.

Change can only happen in the present moment. The NOW is the moment in which life happens – and therefore also the moment in which change is possible.

Not someday. Not when I am more motivated. Not when the perfect moment comes. Now.

Change Requires New Routines

We do not change our habits by deciding to become someone else. We change by acting differently.

Many people believe that having concrete goals activates their willpower and helps them build new habits. But an old pattern cannot simply be “thought away.” We have to act differently. Ideally, by replacing old destructive patterns with new, constructive habits.

Many people also try to maintain a new way of life permanently through motivation and willpower. But motivation comes and goes, and our willpower is limited. Perhaps that is why so many people give up again after a few weeks.

On my own journey, completely new routines have helped me most. Even today, they give me structure and a new kind of security. At first, many things felt strange, and I felt somewhat unfamiliar to myself. But over time, the new habits began to mean more to me than the old ones.

For example, I love my cup of tea before going to bed. It used to be a glass of red wine. Many of my friends cannot understand this, but today I enjoy the tea much more than I used to enjoy the wine. I like the taste. And at the same time, I can feel that it is good for me. The same goes for meditation, yoga, breaks without my phone … I was surprised myself by how quickly I came to love my new routines.

Of course, change does not happen overnight. What matters is consistency. New habits can only become established through repetition. It is not intensity that determines whether a new pattern is formed, but regularity.

It is about finding something we can do again and again and genuinely want to integrate into our lives.

Perhaps we do not actually have to simply get rid of old habits, let alone fight against them. Perhaps we just need something new that gives us security as well – a new kind of security. One that does not hold us back, but does us good.

The Pattern Does Not Have to Disappear Immediately

Not all old conditioned patterns disappear automatically just because we recognize them or try to replace them. They have a certain momentum and may continue to show up for some time. The difference is: We can see them now.

Once I have recognized a habit, I have already changed something: I no longer have to follow it blindly.

Not every slip-up destroys a new pattern. Only when we stop returning to it does a slip-up become an old pattern again.

Freedom Begins Where Habit Ends

For me, recognizing and changing old patterns is incredibly liberating, again and again.

It was only through actually living through change that I realized how little self-directed my personality had been for a long time. It also consisted of a collection of old patterns that did not necessarily come from within me, but from the outside. Over the years, they had become deeply embedded in me. I began to think, feel and act according to them without realizing it. They shaped me for a long time without me really noticing.

The realization that a habit does not have to determine who I am has changed a lot. I can have a habit without being it. I can recognize a pattern without having to follow it. And I can choose to change something. My life finally became more self-directed.

Letting Go Does Not Have to Mean Giving Something Up

When we focus only on what we are no longer allowed or supposed to do, we quickly develop a feeling of deprivation and emptiness. We see what is missing instead of what becomes possible because of it.

That is why I prefer to focus on the new. Not on the habits I have given up, but on the quality of life that has emerged as a result.

Not on the emptiness created by letting something go, but on the space for something that suits me better today.

Perhaps this is exactly the difference between giving something up and changing:
Giving something up asks: What am I no longer allowed to do?
Change asks: What would I like to experience instead?

Sometimes we have to let go of something to make room for something we did not even know we were missing. And sometimes we then realize, with surprise:

The new does not feel like giving something up. It feels like more.

Luma – it Begins in you.

Mini Exercise
Choose one habit that often makes you think: “That’s just the way I am.”
Ask yourself: Is this really a conscious decision – or simply a habit?
And then: What could I try instead?

Reflection Question
What could emerge in my life if I stopped focusing on what I have to let go of and instead focused on what I want to gain?