SELF-CONFIDENCE

As a child and teenager, I suffered enormously from the fact that deep down, I was a very quiet and shy person.

Having to give a presentation in front of my class was a nightmare for me. I still remember a presentation I gave about South Africa and apartheid. I was fascinated by the topic, and preparing it filled me with genuine enthusiasm. But when it came to actually standing in front of the class, I was terrified.

In my memory, the presentation was a disaster: It felt as though my whole body was shaking, probably my voice too. I lost my train of thought and left parts of it out.

I knew perfectly well that the content was good. And I also knew that I was not a gifted public speaker. Why couldn’t I simply accept that? Why did I feel so inadequate? Why was it so incredibly important to me how other people saw me and how they judged me?

My focus was no longer on what I could do, what was good about my work, or what I wanted to say. It was entirely focused on my weakness: the presentation. What a shame.

Again and again, I wished I had my mother’s confidence. I felt incapable. I admired and envied people who appeared self-assured and seemed to move effortlessly into the spotlight. I desperately wanted to be like them.

Our Image of Self-Confidence

For a long time, it was clear to me: people who appeared confident on the outside, who spoke in public without fear, liked being the center of attention and were often a little loud, must also be confident on the inside.

And when I ask other people about this today, it seems many feel the same way. When we think of confident people, we quickly picture those who walk through life with their chest held high. And we are quick to assume that they must be doing better than we are because they don’t have self-doubts.

And that is exactly why I longed so much for this “healthy self-confidence.” For years, I tried to build it in myself. How did I do it?

I think part of it grew quite naturally – through trying things, falling down and getting back up, through life experience. But I also built a lot of it through “success.” With every external success, I felt more valuable – and with that came a stronger sense of confidence on the outside.

For a while, I felt very comfortable with this change. My confidence helped me assert myself, make decisions, earn more respect, deal with difficulties and set boundaries.

But it was also exhausting at times to live as this version of myself. Because it was strongly shaped by external judgment and the pressure to succeed. At some point, I began to wonder why success had become such a strong foundation for my self-worth and my confidence.

Was this woman who appeared so confident on the outside really me? Or was my behavior something I had learned because it helped me assert myself more effectively in our Western society? To appear more credible, more successful or more popular? Today I would say: the latter.

I had taken very confident people, such as my mother, and successful people, such as my father, as role models and invested a great deal of energy in becoming those versions of myself.

Inner Self-Confidence

At some point, I began asking myself: What exactly is this “I” on which I build so much of my confidence?

For me, self-confidence takes on a different meaning through this perspective. Today, it has much more to do with self-awareness and self-knowledge. Less and less is it about strengthening my sense of self, and much more about questioning it and exploring it. It means not allowing my own thoughts and emotions to control me, but consciously learning to guide myself.

What exploring this inner form of confidence has shown me above all is that appearing confident on the outside does not necessarily mean being at peace with yourself on the inside. People who appear very confident can be deeply insecure within themselves and struggle with self-doubt just like anyone else. Sometimes, external confidence can even be a form of protection – a role that hides inner insecurity.

This new perspective has changed a lot for me.

Self-Confidence and Self-Interest

Success and confidence often go hand in hand in our society.

In the past, confidence was something I considered highly desirable. Today, I also see a shadow side to it – one I know very well from my own life. Is confidence sometimes also strongly shaped by self-interest?
Those who know how to sell themselves are considered successful.
Those who maximize their careers are considered ambitious.
Those who seek “their own advantage” are considered clever.
Those who assert themselves are considered strong.
Those who step back, listen or make space for others, on the other hand, can quickly seem less visible and less interesting.

Why is self-interest so often viewed positively in our society and largely considered acceptable?

Of course, it is important to know our own needs, set boundaries and stand up for ourselves. But the question for me is: When does self-confidence become self-centeredness?

Do I perhaps make others smaller through my confidence so that I can feel bigger myself? And when does healthy self-interest become selfishness?

Perhaps we have confused self-confidence with assertiveness for far too long. With pushing our way through. With the ability to defend our own interests, sell ourselves and claim our place.

But do I really have to take my place at someone else’s expense? Do I really have to make myself bigger in order to feel confident?

Self-Confidence Without Exaggeration

Today, I am working on developing a very different kind of self-confidence. My way there begins with self-observation and awareness. I practice noticing my body, my thoughts, my reactions and my patterns. Understanding more and more who I am and what drives me.

And I notice: Out of this observation grows a new kind of self-trust. A very different one from before.

Today, I increasingly connect trusting myself with actually putting my abilities into practice. Not with telling myself that I can do something, or with showing others what I can do. But with actually doing it. Through daily practice, observation and repetition. And just as importantly, with noticing and accepting what I cannot do.

My most critical observer is myself – not the person in front of me. I keep asking myself: Do I merely know this – or do I actually live it? And I try to do so independently of what other people think about it.

And so I feel more and more strongly: This kind of self-confidence needs no exaggeration. I can be confident and reserved at the same time. For me, it exists in this balance: not overestimating myself, but not making myself smaller either.

When I know myself, am aware of my strengths and limitations, and feel that I am enough, I no longer need to put my abilities on display. I don’t have to be able to do everything or do everything perfectly. I can say, “I can’t do that” – and still feel good about myself.

This is a completely new experience for me, and it brings a lightness into my life that I have never known before.

Doubt Is Part of the Journey

Of course, I still encounter doubt and uncertainty along the way. There are moments when I lose trust in myself and in the path I have chosen. But I am also trying to find a new way of relating to these obstacles.

Don’t push them away. Look at them. Accept them. Only through clarity and trust in my own path can I meet them. And just as doubts come, they eventually pass again.

The Quiet Confidence

For me, confidence today is something very quiet. I feel it when I can say:
I know who I am.
I know what I can do.
I also know what I cannot do.
And I don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

Perhaps this is the kind of confidence I longed for as a teenager – only back then, I thought I had to become louder or more successful to find it.

Today, self-confidence means something different to me: I no longer have to appear bigger in order to feel big enough.

LUMA – it begins in you.

MINI EXERCISE
Observe yourself:
Where am I truly aware of who I am?
Where does my confidence come from other people’s judgment?
Where am I trying to appear confident instead of truly feeling myself?
Where do I want to prove something to others?
And where could I simply say today:
I can do this.
I can’t do this.
And both are okay.

REFLECTION QUESTION
How much of my confidence comes from within – and how much comes through the eyes of others?