GUILT FEELINGS

The question of guilt and innocence is omnipresent in our everyday lives. Conflicts and the search for someone to blame are everywhere – among children, neighbours, friends, politicians, or in court. When it comes to guilt, there is usually something concrete that we can look at, acknowledge and, if necessary, make amends for.

But what about guilt feelings? They are often anything but concrete. They are feelings that do not automatically mean that we have actually done something wrong. They are often vague and therefore harder to locate – and sometimes we are not even aware for a long time that they are accompanying us.

Guilt Feelings in Good Times

Gratitude is an attitude I have grown to appreciate more and more over the years. It helps me focus every day on the beautiful and wonderful things in my life. But even when life feels light and good, something else can quietly arise alongside that gratitude: a subtle feeling of guilt.

Thoughts come up like:
I have to give something back.
I can never give enough back.

And so something strange happens: alongside an attitude of gratitude that is meant to enrich my life and connect me with what I have, an uncomfortable feeling arises that makes me suffer – precisely when life is treating me well and could actually feel easy.

While I look gratefully at my own life, I also see people who are missing many of the things that have become a given for me. And suddenly, my happiness feels almost a little wrong.

Today, I am able to notice these feelings of guilt. But how can I stop identifying with them? How can I feel guilt without thinking: I am guilty. I am a bad person.

What helps me is to meet this feeling with curiosity. First, I try to locate it.
Where do I feel it? In my chest? My stomach? My throat?
How does it make itself felt? As pressure? Tightness? Restlessness?

At first, I try not to change it or make it go away. I simply notice what is there. Don’t judge. Don’t push it away. Simply notice.

Guilt Feelings and Comparison

Guilt feelings often arise through comparison – and we compare ourselves constantly. No matter in which direction: comparison can create suffering.

We can compare ourselves upwards and feel a sense of lack: “Why does she have more than I do?” But we can also compare ourselves downwards and feel guilt: “I have it better than he does.”

In both cases, we make another person’s situation the measure of our own. Which rarely makes us feel good.

Upward comparison shows us what we lack. Downward comparison suddenly makes us question our own happiness. We begin to devalue it.

The Pain of the World

A situation many of us probably know: We sit in a safe, comfortable home in Europe. At the same time, we see images of people who are starving, living in poverty or on the streets.

Thoughts quickly arise: “I have so much. Others have so little.”

But what does my guilt change for the person who is suffering? It neither takes away their hunger nor gives them a home. So why should I make their suffering my own?

A trap that particularly empathetic people can fall into is the thought that they have to take the pain of the world into themselves in order to be good people.
I don’t have to freeze in order to understand someone who is homeless.
I don’t have to go hungry to help someone who is hungry.
I don’t have to feel guilty because I have enough to eat.
And I don’t have to make my own happiness smaller in order to take someone else’s unhappiness seriously.

Whenever that restless feeling arises in me today – “I have to do something” – I try to look more closely at this “have to”.

Do I have to do something because otherwise I would be a bad person? Or: Do I want to do something because I see that there is something I can contribute?

On the outside, both can look the same: donating, giving time, listening, helping. On the inside, they are completely different. One comes from guilt. The other comes from compassion and conscious responsibility. Am I giving to repay a debt – or because I want to share some of the happiness I have?

Guilt Feelings as Signals

Guilt feelings do not always serve the same purpose. Sometimes they arise because I have actually hurt someone, for example. Then they can be an important signal: I have done something that does not align with my values.

In this case, they can help me recognize my responsibility, learn from it and, if necessary, apologize.

But sometimes guilt feelings arise even though I have not done anything wrong.
I say no.
I stand up for myself – even if this may create disharmony.
I have an easier life than someone else.
I cannot help everyone.
I disappoint someone.
I tell the truth.
I am happy while someone else is suffering.
I have received a lot and therefore believe I have to give something back.

Then a completely different question arises: Am I actually responsible – or do I simply feel responsible?
Does this responsibility really belong to me – or am I carrying something that actually belongs to someone else?

My Personal Experience

For a long time, my own life was quite carefree and strongly shaped by the connection between gratitude and guilt described above, because people around me often seemed to have a harder time.

Severe illnesses among my friends, in particular, affected me deeply. I was not only sad, but also repeatedly felt guilty because my own life was going so well at the same time. I felt obligated to help, but at the same time I never felt that I had done enough. I suffered with them. I often felt helpless and powerless.

Then, a few years ago, there came a time when I suddenly found myself confronted with a great deal of suffering myself. I was in a completely new situation. At first, I had to learn how to find my own way through it – while also dealing with the reactions of the people around me.

Again and again, I felt that although others recognized my suffering, they were not really with me. It showed itself in the way people immediately responded to my pain with a story of their own: “I know what that’s like. I went through something similar once.” Or: “A friend of mine has that too, and …”

I know they meant well. But at the time, this did not calm my nervous system – quite the opposite. It created even more unrest in me. It did not ease my fear; often, it even intensified it.

I was so consumed by my own pain that, in that moment, I had no room for other people’s stories. And certainly not for stories that had ended badly.

With the focus shifting to others, I no longer felt seen in my own acute fear. My pain became the occasion for other people’s stories – stories I simply could not carry at that moment.

Today, I understand that there is something very human behind this reaction: It is difficult for us to bear another person’s suffering without doing something with it.

When someone is suffering in front of us, it creates unrest in us, too. And then we reach for something familiar. “I know this.” We look for a connection. “I went through something similar.” We look for common ground. Or: “I’m not doing so well either.” Perhaps, unconsciously, we are trying to restore some kind of balance to the situation.

But what I needed in that moment was something completely different:

You don’t have to explain to me that you understand my pain. You don’t have to answer my pain with your own. You don’t have to solve it either. Just stay with me for a moment.

Perhaps that was one of the most important things I took away from my own suffering: Compassion does not always mean saying or doing something. Sometimes it simply means staying with another person’s pain – without making it our own.

Guilt Feelings About the Past

Guilt feelings do not only arise when life is going well for me. There is also this completely different kind of guilt – the kind connected to past actions, often accompanied by self-doubt and self-reproach.

I know this kind of guilt very well from my own life, too. Today, I can recognize it. But until recently, I lived with these feelings without really being aware of them.

And then, suddenly, I saw them clearly: these guilt feelings that had been lying dormant inside me and had caused so much suffering and tension for such a long time.

When I began to truly notice them, something almost magical happened. I was able to change my perspective. Instead of repeatedly judging myself for my past actions, I began to question them with curiosity:
What did I know back then?
What was I able to see?
What was I afraid of?
What did I need?
What options did I actually have?
And what would I do differently today?

Something new emerged. Today, I can acknowledge what I did without condemning myself for it – even though there are things I would do differently today.

I can take responsibility without declaring myself a bad person. Not by sugar-coating my past. Not by pretending that nothing happened. But by seeing it more clearly.

My Daily Practice

For me, dealing with my guilt feelings is still a hard practice. But the beautiful thing is: Since I began to notice them, I can no longer look away quite so easily.

Every day, I practice tolerating helplessness and powerlessness. Staying calm even when there is nothing I can solve. Not judging myself, even when I do not receive approval from others.

The more clearly I recognize my feelings, the more calmly I can respond. And sometimes I can simply be there for someone else. Listen. Let myself be touched by what they are going through. Not feel the need to do something immediately.

Of course, I still notice other impulses in myself: the urge to help quickly, to tell my own story, to justify myself, to give advice – or to judge myself.

Then I ask myself: Am I helping the other person right now – or am I actually trying to soothe my own helplessness?
Or: Am I carrying something that really belongs to me?

By now, I know that I do not have to follow every impulse. And sometimes I even manage to simply remain silent. I know I still have a lot to learn. But perhaps that is exactly the beautiful part: Life gives me new opportunities to practice every day.

In the end, perhaps it is not about having no guilt feelings at all. It is about seeing them clearly and learning to distinguish:
What are they trying to show me – and what can I let go of?

Because guilt feelings can teach me something. But they do not have to accompany me forever.

Mini Exercise
Pause for a moment when guilt feelings arise.
Where do I feel them? And what are they trying to tell me?
Don’t judge. Don’t push them away. Simply notice.

Reflection Question
Which guilt feelings have been accompanying me for a while – and what are they trying to tell me?