For a long time, I struggled with the idea of self-love.
I saw it either as selfishness or as just another form of self-improvement.
Today, I believe self-love is something entirely different.
For me, self-love begins the moment we start truly seeing ourselves.
Where we meet ourselves with dignity and respect.
Where we accept our vulnerability.
Take responsibility for our lives.
Become honest with ourselves.
And accept ourselves even when life is not going according to plan.
Being at peace with myself when everything is going well,
when I am riding high on the waves of life, being celebrated and applauded,
is not particularly difficult.
But what happens in those moments
when life doesn't show its sunny side?
When I am afraid.
When I fail.
When I feel powerless.
When I feel lonely.
When I am simply not functioning.
Can I still treat myself with respect? Can I still speak to myself with kindness?
Can I still hold myself and be there for myself?
How We Talk to Ourselves
I often think about a chapter from a golf psychology book called:
"Fire Your Evil Caddy and Become Your Own Best Friend."
For the first time, I started paying attention to the way I spoke to myself.
After a bad shot. After losing a point.
And I was shocked by how harshly I spoke to myself, how quickly I put myself down.
How naturally I criticized myself.
Would I tolerate a caddie speaking to me on the golf course the way I sometimes speak to myself?
Never.
So why do we accept a voice in our own minds
that we would never tolerate from another person?
Giving Ourselves What We Expect From Others
Perhaps self-love begins when we start giving ourselves the things
we so naturally expect from others.
When we get married, we make vows to the people we love.
In those vows, we promise so much:
To listen.
To stay loyal.
To be patient.
To show respect.
To not walk away when times get difficult.
But do we offer these same things to ourselves?
Do we stay with ourselves when we feel weak?
Do we speak respectfully to ourselves when we fail?
Do we truly listen to ourselves?
Or do we abandon ourselves precisely when we need ourselves most?
For me, self-love means one thing above all:
No longer abandoning myself.
Treating myself with kindness and respect.
The Silent War Within
How many people spend their lives criticizing themselves?
Why do we believe we have to become better, more attractive, more successful,
or stronger before we deserve our own love?
The mind says:
"If this problem is solved ..."
"If I look different ..."
"If I achieve more ..."
"Then I can accept myself."
But that is exactly where the suffering begins. As long as my self-worth is tied to conditions,
I remain at war with myself.
Self-acceptance is neither passivity nor pretending everything is fine.
It simply means: I stop rejecting myself.
I stop saying:
"Something is wrong with me."
And begin saying:
"This is where I am right now – and I am allowed to be here."
Honesty With Ourselves
For me, self-love also means radical honesty with myself.
It means being willing to look at the darker parts of ourselves,
the ones we often try to hide, suppress, or avoid.
Not only our beautiful sides deserve acceptance.
What we fight against or deny within ourselves often continues to control us unconsciously.
What we accept, however, has a chance to grow and transform.
For me, self-love grows through clarity and acceptance.
The moment I am able to say yes to myself, even in my imperfection.
Being Alone Without Feeling Lonely
Looking back, I rarely enjoyed being alone.
Yet over the past few years, I have come to understand
how important solitude is for mature self-love.
Whenever I avoid being alone, I often expect other people to fill an emptiness within me.
Perhaps we are not really afraid of loneliness,
but of meeting ourselves.
Because when the distractions fade away, we are left with only one thing:
We have to listen.
Then we meet our thoughts, our fears, our needs
and all the parts of ourselves we tend to avoid in everyday life.
Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
It can become a space where we learn to know ourselves better.
To become more honest.
More authentic.
Only when we learn to be with ourselves does a deeper sense of peace emerge.
When I realize: I can be with myself. I can hold myself.
I do not need to abandon myself.
Something begins to change.
The quiet certainty that I can be good company for myself.
Self-Love Is Not a Destination
Self-love is not a state that we eventually "achieve."
It changes with life.
At twenty, we have different needs than we do at fifty or sixty.
What strengthens us changes.
What we need changes.
That is why self-love requires ongoing honesty.
Ongoing awareness.
Ongoing adjustment.
Perhaps self-love is nothing spectacular at all.
Perhaps it simply means returning to ourselves again and again.
Not abandoning ourselves.
Even when life becomes difficult.
LUMA — it begins in you.
A Small Practice
The next time something doesn't go according to plan, pause for a moment.
Bring your attention into your body.
Where do you feel the tension?
In your stomach?
In your chest?
In your neck?
Don't try to change anything.
Simply notice what is there.
Breathe gently into that area.
Feel your feet on the ground.
Perhaps it helps to step outside for a moment,
to feel the earth beneath you or to let water run over your hands.
Perhaps it helps to wrap your arms around yourself and quietly say:
"I'm here."
Notice what happens when you stop fighting the moment.
This, too, will pass.
Just as all moments pass.
The easy ones.
And the difficult ones.
Reflection Question
How would I speak to myself today if I were my own best friend?