EGO

I never wanted to be selfish.
Being selfish was considered something shameful. Especially for women.
That’s how I was programmed.

In our family, it was simply accepted that my father and my brother got the biggest piece of meat or barely had to help around the house. They were given a special status without anyone questioning it. Looking back, I would say: They were allowed to develop a healthy sense of self-interest.

As a woman, on the other hand, I was conditioned to put my own needs aside. Self-care was considered selfish.

This was the attitude my mother modeled for us:
Be modest. Think of others first. Don’t make a fuss. A good woman sacrifices herself for her family.

Then she will be loved.

As a teenager, something inside me began to resist this. I questioned her attitude again and again. My mother had long since accepted it and would simply say:
“Well, you made your bed, now lie in it.”

I’m Learning to Tell the Difference

Today, I’m beginning to tell the difference. What is ego? What is selfishness? Where does self-love begin? And where am I allowed to set boundaries?

This distinction is often not easy. It requires a great deal of self-reflection and radical honesty with myself. By now, I experience observing myself as a fascinating, insightful and liberating process. I’m getting to know and understand myself better and better.

For a long time, I suppressed my own needs because I interpreted them as selfishness. Today, I recognize that many people – especially those who are very responsible – confuse self-care with selfishness.

But if you constantly override yourself, you can’t really be there for others either.

Selfishness begins where I fundamentally ignore the needs of others and put myself above them.

Self-love, on the other hand, means taking my own needs seriously, taking responsibility for my life and helping others without losing myself in the process.

Setting Boundaries Is Not Selfish – It’s an Act of Love

I often think about why I found it so difficult for most of my life to say no. Almost automatically, I would say yes before I had even thought about it. I went to gatherings I didn’t want to attend and did things others expected of me without asking myself what I actually wanted.

Why? Probably because I didn’t want to be selfish and had internalized the sentence, “Don’t be so selfish.”

I’m gradually learning that a boundary can also be set with love. I can say no, even if someone else is disappointed. I’m allowed to change a relationship that constantly drains my energy. I can leave responsibility where it belongs.

With one important premise: I act consciously for myself, not against the other person.

I can say no clearly without devaluing the other person or fighting against them internally. A yes to others that is really a no to myself is rarely truly loving.

Setting loving boundaries doesn’t always come easily to me. But the feeling of freedom that comes when I suddenly see clearly what needs to be done is wonderful. I need fewer and fewer excuses or explanations, and life becomes so much lighter.

A clear no can be very peaceful.

And the interesting thing is this: Contrary to what I expected, many reactions from the people around me have been far more understanding than I thought. My own clarity gives them clarity too.

I used to justify my no with excuses or explanations. But in reality, those excuses weighed on me. Today I know that the other person could naturally sense my dishonesty – just as I can sense it in others.

For me, boundaries are rarely selfish when they come from clarity. Not every boundary comes from the same motivation. Sometimes I set a boundary because I’m tired or need to protect myself. Other times because it aligns with my values. Both have a place.

Letting Go of Identification

Taking responsibility became part of my identity early on.
I still hear the sentences from my childhood:
“You’re the oldest, so be sensible.”
“You’re the role model for the others.”
“You carry the responsibility.”

Later, my parents often praised me for being responsible. If you take responsibility, you are loved. That’s what I learned.

That’s why I repeatedly slipped into the helper role. Even when nobody had asked me to. I took responsibility before anyone had asked me to.

At some point, a quality became a role. And the role became part of my identity.

But how do I break free from these old patterns and stop basing my worth on my sense of duty? How can I take responsibility without identifying with it?

What helps me again and again is consciously looking within. Because my ego also wants to hold on to this old identity. It wants to keep the recognition that comes with it.

When I notice, Aha, that’s my ego right now, it becomes much easier to tell myself: Today, I’m allowed to let go of responsibility for a while. It’s okay. I am not my responsibility. Let go of the identification.

Because this is one of the ego’s great traps: It repeatedly identifies with thoughts, roles and stories about ourselves that our mind tells us.
I am successful.
I am a victim.
I am a mother.
I am athletic.
I am responsible.
I have to be strong.

These roles are not necessarily wrong. But when we cling to them and identify with them, we begin to suffer. If I believe I am the role, and that role eventually disappears, I suffer. Especially when it has played such a major part in my life.

The more aware I become of my feelings and thoughts, the easier it becomes to let them go or change them.

A Trigger That Has a Lot to Do With Me

Selfish people strongly trigger me. Why?

Like every trigger, this one has a lot to do with me. I learned early on to put others first. Standing up for myself felt selfish for a long time.

Perhaps that is why the behavior of people who naturally put their own well-being above that of others affects me so strongly – something I was unable to do myself for a long time, or simply didn’t allow myself to do.

The more consciously I observe myself and the people around me, the clearer it also becomes that selfish behavior doesn’t necessarily come from strength. Quite the opposite. It can also come from a feeling of incompleteness. This realization helps me judge selfish behavior less quickly and look at it with more compassion.

Not Taking Everything Personally

For a very long time, I was a champion at taking things very personally. Today, I finally recognize that even a no from another person is rarely directed against me.

How often was I deeply hurt by criticism. How much I suffered. But when I feel criticized or hurt, it is first of all my ego reacting.

I know that now. I try to pause, notice my body, listen within and ask myself: What is actually feeling threatened in me right now? Suddenly, the world can look quite different again, and I begin to relax.

Simply observing creates distance and prevents my ego from automatically taking over.

I’m learning more and more that criticism or strong reactions from others often have much less to do with me than I used to believe. Sometimes they come from someone else’s hurt. Sometimes from fear. Sometimes the ego of the other person is speaking too. That doesn’t mean I ignore criticism. But I don’t have to make every reaction part of my truth. Some things I can simply leave with the other person. That feels incredibly liberating.

The Ego Is Not My Enemy

I used to spend a lot of energy trying to fight my ego. Today, I see the challenge differently: I try to become consciously aware of it. When I first started looking more closely, I was sometimes quite shocked by what I discovered within myself. Parts of me I really didn’t want to see.

Today, I see it as a necessary part of my personality. It helps me function in everyday life, make decisions and develop an identity.

Of course, I still catch myself in old patterns: comparing myself to others, wanting to be right, fearing rejection, wanting to control things, holding on, or wanting to please everyone in order to receive recognition.

Consciously noticing these old ego patterns has become my daily practice. It requires radical honesty with myself again and again. Only through honesty can I recognize my ego and act from a deeper, more authentic self.

Meeting the Ego with a Smile

For a long time, I felt ashamed of my ego whenever it showed itself. It was a shadow to me. Something I didn’t want to see. Something I tried to suppress or fight.

These days, I try to meet it with a smile when it shows up.

Aha, there it is again.

What is it telling me about myself? It invites me to pause, seek clarity and ask myself: What is the right step now?

I no longer meet it with shame, but with curiosity. It shows me where I’m still holding on to old patterns, where fears or old beliefs are influencing my actions.

That gives me the opportunity not to react automatically, but to choose again and again. To change old patterns of behavior and grow.

With every moment in which I succeed, my life becomes a little freer, calmer and more peaceful.

LUMA - It begins in you

Mini Exercise
Observe your ego – without judging it. Take a moment today when you feel angry, hurt or have an urge to be right. Pause for a moment and ask yourself:
What feels threatened in me right now?
What fear or need might be underneath it?
How would I respond if I felt completely safe right now?
Try not to change anything. Just observe.
Often, this small pause alone creates a new space for choice.

Reflection Question
How do I recognize when it is my ego speaking – and when it is my inner clarity?