"If you want to find inner peace, you have to like people."
The first time I heard this sentence in an interview with the Buddhist teacher Tulku Lobsang, I had to smile.
Like people? All of them? That seemed almost impossible.
Yet the sentence stayed with me. I began observing myself. Suddenly I noticed how often I judged people, instantly disliked them, or even felt superior to them - before I had even gotten to know them.
The man driving the Porsche.
The woman with lip fillers.
The conservative politician.
The arrogant snob.
Within seconds, I had already created a story about each of them. Why do we do that? And why has it become so normal in our society?
I keep coming back to the same conclusion: judging takes surprisingly little effort. Compassion, on the other hand, asks us to look one moment longer.
Today, I believe compassion has far less to do with morality than we tend to think. To me, it is an inner attitude that grows from inner calm and changes the way we see other people.
And that is exactly what gives me hope: compassion is not a quality that some people simply have while others don't. It is a capacity that every one of us can cultivate.
Behind Every Behavior Is a Story
We rarely hurt other people because we are inherently bad. More often, we act out of fear.
Out of overwhelm.
Out of old wounds.
Out of conditioning we have never questioned.
The more consciously I live, the more often I realize that every person acts from their own causes and circumstances. That doesn't excuse every behavior. But it does make judging much more difficult.
Especially when we meet people who think or live very differently from us, we tend to fall into one of two extremes. Either we harden ourselves and reject them. Or we slip into pity. But there is a third way.
Compassion.Meeting another human being with an open heart - without judging them and without losing ourselves in the process.
Compassion Begins with Ourselves
One thing surprised me more than anything else. I can only offer others as much compassion as I offer myself.
As long as I constantly fight against myself, push myself, or judge myself for every mistake, I will unconsciously treat others in much the same way.
Only when I began meeting my own thoughts, emotions, and imperfections with greater kindness did something slowly begin to change. More space appeared. Not only for myself. But also for others.
Today I know that self-acceptance is the first major step toward developing genuine compassion.
Compassion Doesn't Mean Approving Everything
There was something else I learned along the way.
I can set boundaries.
I can say no.
I can end a relationship.
And still feel compassion.
Compassion does not mean excusing everything. It does not mean avoiding conflict. It does not mean giving up yourself.
Rather, it means this: I can recognize another person's humanity even when I cannot accept their behavior.
This attitude even made it possible for me to forgive someone - not because what they did was right, but because I no longer wanted to remain tied to my own pain.
As long as I keep fighting, judging, or holding on, I remain emotionally bound to the other person. Compassion loosens that bond. Not because the other person changes. But because I begin to see differently.
Inner Calm as the Key
What I notice most in the people around me is a lack of inner calm - the very calm from which compassion can arise.
Veit Lindau describes our nervous system as our oldest operating system. When it is stuck in survival mode, we respond with attack, withdrawal, or freeze. Only a regulated nervous system allows genuine connection. I believe this is one of the greatest challenges of our time.
Before we even leave the house in the morning, we are confronted with news about wars, natural disasters, hunger, displacement, and personal tragedies from every corner of the world. Added to that are the worries of our families, our friends, our colleagues, and the people we follow on social media.
Our brain reacts to all these stories as if they were part of our own immediate lives. But our nervous system was never designed for that. No human being can carry the pain of the entire world.
When overwhelm pushes us outside our window of tolerance, our nervous system switches into protection mode. We become more irritable and lash out. Or we withdraw and grow emotionally numb. Not because we have become bad people. But because our organism is trying to protect itself.
And in exactly those moments, it becomes difficult to meet other people - even those we love most - with an open heart.
Perhaps what we need most today are more moments in which our nervous system can experience safety and inner calm again.
For me, meditation, breathing exercises, yoga, Tai Chi, and similar practices have become some of the most important ways to regulate myself and reconnect with inner peace - even when the world around me feels stormy.
When I Confused Compassion with Pity
For a long time, I believed I was an especially compassionate person. Today I see that much of what I once called compassion was actually pity.
Whenever my own life felt light and easy, my attention often turned toward people who were struggling.
I felt bad.
I wanted to help.
To comfort.
To find solutions.
But without realizing it, I stepped into their pain myself. Their worries became my worries. Their hopelessness became my hopelessness. Eventually, I noticed how deeply this exhausted me.
Today I increasingly sense the small - but profound - difference. Pity pulls me into another person's suffering. Compassion allows me to fully acknowledge their pain while remaining calm within myself. And precisely because of that, I remain capable of helping.
Compassion does not mean feeling less. It means feeling differently.
If You Want to Help, Don't Drown
I often think back to the time when we were supporting refugees. A friend kept talking about helping people help themselves. I, on the other hand, wanted to take on as much as possible. Letting go was difficult. And if I'm honest, I sometimes felt he was leaving me alone with it.
Today I believe that people often benefit more from our trust than from our self-sacrifice. I don't have to make another person's pain smaller. But I can trust that there is more to them than their crisis. I can help without carrying everything. Perhaps that is the deepest form of respect.
What Neuroscience Has Discovered
Neuroscientist Tania Singer describes a fascinating distinction. Our brain differentiates between empathy and compassion. Empathy means feeling another person's pain. That is something deeply valuable.
But when we permanently take on the suffering of others, something emerges that Singer calls empathic distress. To me, this term perfectly describes what I once believed compassion was - but what was often actually pity. We suffer ourselves.
Compassion activates different networks in the brain - areas associated with care, connection, and positive motivation.
Singer summarizes it beautifully: empathy can exhaust us. Compassion strengthens us.
A wonderful image illustrates this: if someone falls into a river, empathy jumps in after them. Compassion stays on the shore and throws a rope. Precisely because it doesn't drown, it is able to help.
What I find especially fascinating is that many discoveries in compassion research come from studies with long-term Buddhist meditators. They show that compassion is not an inborn trait. It is a skill that can be trained.
Not feeling less. Feeling differently.
Compassion Changes Us First
The longer I explore this topic, the more I understand why compassion holds such a central place in Buddhism.
Compassion is far more than simply being kind. It is an attitude. A way of meeting people. Not with judgment. Not with superiority. Not with pity. But with an open heart.
When I consciously began practicing compassion, I experienced something I never expected. It did not change other people nearly as much as it changed me.
Because every judgment separates. Compassion connects. Not because people suddenly become easier. But because we begin to see the human being behind the behavior.
Inner calm makes compassion possible. Compassion changes the way we see other people. When we meet others with less judgment and more understanding, it changes not only our relationships - but above all, our own lives.
Life becomes lighter. More peaceful. Freer. Perhaps inner calm, compassion, and liking people are not three different things after all. Perhaps they nourish one another.
I believe this is exactly what Tulku Lobsang meant when he said:
"If you want to find inner peace, you have to like people."
Mini Exercise
The next time you notice yourself judging someone today, pause for a moment. Replace your judgment with curiosity and ask yourself: "What might be behind this person's behavior that I cannot see?"
Reflection Question
Where could a little more compassion make my life easier today?